Where does the impetus to specialize come from? Perhaps we're born with a template for our purpose and proclivities, perhaps our wounding and armoring force adaptation that becomes fixed at the core of our personality. I always think of the whole nature/nurture thing in terms of an acorn... it's bound to grow into an oak, can't grow into an apple or coconut tree... and it's bound to be cut and blown and pounded by the environment as it grows. Together, these inner and outer forces shape the tree we see before us. Each unique.
Here's the interesting part. See, as humans, we have the ability to adapt very rapidly. We also have a challenge with uprooting, or at least re-evaluating, deep inner patterns that we either arrived with or got handed along the way from our families, culture, etc... Toads, insects and trees don't have either the ability to adapt as quickly, or to uproot an adaptation and replace it with another one.
There's an excellent body of published work and training courses that emphasize principles like:
- Failing Forward - John C. Maxwell
- PsychoCybernetics - Maltz/Kennedy (mind like a guided missile's zig-zag steering mechanism)
- Can you think of another one? Let me know...
What I'm getting at is, what if the adaptations we are currently operating on or that we are prone to adopt prove to be of very little value? For instance, the kid who grew up playing video games habitually. He's probably very good at video games. Maybe not so good at relationships, money getting, etc... Likewise, the girl who grows up cute and learns to get her way without much effort. She may eventually find herself without the means to do so if she neglects to develop her personality, her intelligence, etc...
Now, what about the woman who studies her ass off to become a doctor and then has no ability to talk to her patients, let alone have a social life. Or someone who is so socially oriented that the idea of balancing a check-book is a brain-fry. Or the meditator who gets his girlfriend pregnant and has to figure out how to integrate with the world that has been held at bay for so long...
These are challenges we all face in some way. We must. We can't possibly make every adaptation necessary to please everyone, including ourselves, all the time. It's ridiculous. We're gonna fail, we're gonna foul up, we're gonna get pinched... and we're gonna live. (mostly)
I find this proving true in my business life (where, fortunately, we have a very innovative, encouraging atmosphere), true in relationships... let me just tell you how many mistakes I've made in that domain! And in general, it's a real challenge to achieve even the little steps towards becoming the man I want to be.
The big one, though, the one that I personally feel has the most impact on this world is Parenting... becuase, just look back on your own life... even if you've grown beyond blaming & victimhood, we all have periods in our development where we curse our families, society, etc... for not responding to our adaptations in the way we believe they should. We act in a certain way that we thought was going to get us what we wanted, and !wham! we get hammered with some negative, probably unintended consequences.
Realizing we're not getting what we want is the first step to any lasting change. Still sucks though, to feel it. Better than not feeling it, though, and carrying on oblivious to the pain we are causing ourselves and others... or the potential we're failing to grow in to.
So, for me, I walk a fine line between wanting to protect my child from as much wounding as possible - both from me and from the world around us - and also, doing my best to forgive myself for my failures to do so. Especially when they are unconscious expressions of some adaptation, or lack there of, that catch me totally off guard.
It seems like every time I F-up and dust myself off, there are new, deeper, ever more subtle nuances of parenting, navigating that primary relationship with the child and co-P. As much as I love kids and being a dad, I'll be the first one to admit that I never even held a child before my daughter was born, and I never really developed the adaptations of a savvy parental type growing up. My buddy did - he helped raise his younger sibblings. I never had the privilege of that responsibility... I was playing video games.
So, if I had to sum this all up, I'd say: be tolerant of your failures, especially as a parent, and at the same time, let the pain they bring be the impetus for correcting your course quickly, and making new adaptations that can help you reach the vision you have set your sites on.
Cheers,
Craig
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