By all accounts, my life could not have been more fortunate.
I was afforded every advantage.
Yet, by in large, I was mis-er-a-ble.
"Your children are not your children...
You may house their bodies but not their souls" ~Gibran
My folks are amazing people. They've built a life of affluence from very modest upbringings. They've traveled the world many times over and quenched their appetites for all things refined and cultured. I've watched their circle of friends share and support one another in this very boomer endeavor, and I've benefited from the cultural literacy and business acumen of this consciously cultivated extended family.
What has most impressed me about my parents is the way they've developed their marriage, and continue to deepen it to this day, after nearly 45 years together.
I would never say I resented them for adopting me. Certainly, this makes no "logical" sense. But there has always been something missing. Something all this external blessing could never ameliorate.
I have deeply resented being adopted.
Why? Even writing this feels like a knife twisting in my solar plexus. How rude of me! How ungrateful! What a spoiled brat I must be!
"Adoptees are not grateful, they are grieving..." ~Verrier
Several years ago my godfather passed along one of the most illuminating books I've ever read: The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child
by Nancy Newton Verrier.Essentially, this book explains that adopted children experience a profound psychic-emotional wound that a.) goes totally unaddressed by society - families included - and b.) creates a "false self" that the adopted child puts on in order to protect from being rejected and abandoned again... particularly because the deeply wounded, deeply grieving authentic self inside is not accepted, or even acknowledged.
This primal wound causes a tremendous amount of pain and suffering in the adopted child. A loss no less painful than that felt by the spouse and children of a loved one who dies unexpectedly.
The difference is that, in any other experience of trauma or loss, our society accepts and acknowledges this grief, and encourages a period of deep grieving for the loss of the loved one, or in the case of abuse or rape, the loss of self that has been ripped away and wounded.
"Grief is the gateway to all other emotions." ~Bly
The adopted child's wound is characterized by "premature ego death" and the very authentic grief that wells up beneath the surface, just like all that toxic oil billowing into the Gulf of Mexico from the BP oil wreck.
It's a mess that nobody wants to have to deal with. Least of all adoptive parents who most likely have never grieved their own loss due to their inability to birth their own biological children.
It's a big game of make-believe fantasy-family-land at some level. I'm sure it varies by degrees in each family, particularly in more recent times as adoptions are becoming more open, and parents more enlightened about what being adopted means.
"Cry, baby, cry..." ~Beatles
I know, with my own daughter, when she cries for mama at inconvenient times - like bed-time - that if I just stop myself from trying to reprimand, shame or otherwise convince her out of her feelings, hold her and acknowledge her sadness, she is able to cry it out. The tears run their course quickly and it's only a moment before she's kissing me goodnight - feeling seen, held, and okay just the way she is.
Simply learning about this has given me permission to accept and acknowledge my own deep grief. By owning this grief and beginning the process of feeling it, consciously, for the first time in my life, I have experienced a tremendous amount of healing - more than I can possibly express with words. I've begun recovering my soul.
This grief, I've learned, comes not only from the loss of connection with my birth mother after 9 months of hangin out together like BFF's, but also from the lack of mirroring for my soul growing up.
Now that I, myself, am a father I can clearly feel the difference between the way I know my daughter and the way my folks know me. Sure, they could sense that I was sensitive, intelligent, artistic and creative in general. And they sent me to all sorts of great camps and lessons for art and guitar and science...
"Teach your children well, their father's hell did slowly go by..." ~CSN&Y
But when I look at my daughter, I know in a quantum flash precisely what just went through her mind. I can sense what multi-generational karmic chord is vibrating in her, and how to help her get aligned with the process of healing that karma she's inherited from me... or celebrate the brilliance of her soul that only a biological parent can recognize, because it's been directly imparted from a very intimate part of my own soul.
I longed for that kind of connection all through my adolescence and early adult-hood. Instead I felt projected upon, or completely unseen for who I was. This all happened at an unconscious level, and only served to deepen the wound, the grief of abandonment, the resentment and self-doubt that lies at the core of nearly all adopted children.
"You may give them your love, but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts." ~Gibran
It didn't help that I had no language for expressing my deepest self. It didn't help that I had no map of the possible forms or dimensions of expression available to me. I was expected to model the staunch, entrenched attitudes and values of my war-generation parents, even though I'm a child of the 70's, born of parents a decade younger than the ones who adopted me. It was a poor fit on many subtle levels, and I've suffered in the deepest recesses of my soul... with no ability to explain how I felt, and no moral grounds for justifying this grief and resentment.
In the following blog posts, I will share more of my journey of awakening, and how I found a collection of tools (which have become the basis for Enlightened Child) that ultimately provided me with a mirror for my deep, authentic self. The one I was born with, before the "premature ego death" and construction of a false self.
"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." ~Campbell
The work of self-discovery... self-excavation, really, is not only a fascinating story, it's also incredibly instructive for anyone on the path of self-mastery and awakening.
And if you're adopted, or raise adopted children, it's my heart's prayer that you will learn to connect with the deep, authentic self that lies at the heart of every adopted child.
Here's a link to The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child - please read it, or pass it on to those you know who are interested in the experience of adopted children, and their path to wholeness.
- please read it, or pass it on to those you know who are interested in the experience of adopted children, and their path to wholeness.To Your Enlightenment Experience!
Craig
Creator EnlightenedChild.com
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