What did I experience? I "Reclaimed my Teenage Fire"... or rather discovered that I had never lost it.
It took some powerful workshop exercises led by teams of some truly incredible young men (JourneyMen) and their mentors to fully realize that truth. This post is a reflection on what I've come to understand after completing the workshop this past weekend.
The RTF training is actually a mentor training for the Boys to Men network. You can read more about the tradition of masculine initiation by clicking here.
Here's a picture of the JourneyMen...
What did I learn about myself and the world this weekend?
1.) By hearing the stories of other men and what their lives were like back in their teen years I really came to understand how hard life has been for many men. That kid who I thought was really popular, or was a real jerk to me at school, for instance, might have been living a nightmare at home. How could I have known? This weekend gave me that perspective and it was very healing for me.
2.) Being adopted is hard, but nothing compared to what some of these other men have been through with death after death in the family, the psychological fall-out of their own uninitiated fathers, the brutality, the abuse, the abandonment, the unloving, uncaring, dis-interested lack of presence... I really came to appreciate my own father with a profound depth.
3.) I realized that growing up we all feel lack of love and being seen. We all feel slighted in some way, and we all have our crosses to bear... including my own father - both my biological father, and my adoptive father. At one point I broke down in tears of gratitude for how much love I feel, that I didn't even know because I have been holding onto the grievances from childhood. Somehow I must find a way to express that to my father... that I appreciate him for everything he is, and while he's not perfect, he certainly held a lot of the cruelty in the world at bay for me. That alone is a magnificent gift, and one I can never be too grateful for.
4.) I realized what an incredible father I am for my own child. It's amazing to see how far we have come in just 3 generations. Men have really opened up in the past several decades, and the macho jerk is no longer the ideal. Tender caring and nurturing masculine energy are so much more accepted, and the young men on this weekend are an incredible example of how powerful a healthy male presence in a young man's life can be.
5.) And at the same time, I am humbled by the faults and failures I can't even see that I'm sure Corrina will have to forgive me for some day. I better start a therapy account right next to her college account. I'm sure she'll have plenty to process that I don't even realize I'm giving her cause for. Still, I resolve from all this to grow and move forward from where I am, not where I wish I could be. All I can do is be the best dad I know how with the resources available to me. It's a constant learning process.
6.) Lastly, as I mentioned, I went through a process led by an 18 year old Journeyman whose father is a dear friend of mine through MKP.
Shawn & Mike Fallon... (and Andrew Corey ;-)
Together they helped bring the Boys to Men training to Upstate, NY and the East Coast. He had me reflect on a picture of myself from a time in my younger life when I felt like I was really on top of the world. Reflect on my "fall from grace" and reclaim my teenage fire... Well, after several minutes into the process he turned to me and said, "I mean, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I just want to tell you that from my perspective, you've never lost your fire. It's burning so brightly in you... you're the kind of man I want to become!"
Well, I felt such relief and elation. I turned to him and accepted the candle that represented that fire, and I told him that I simply needed to be seen for that. It was so simple, so complete... I can't express what it did for me in words, though.
Here's the picture, and the candle...
All this I share with you a few days before Father's Day to say: Reflect on how much your father has given you IN SPITE of all he's been through. He probably had to figure it all out for himself. This type of mentoring didn't exist, and even today, many boys, men and fathers will walk the long, lonely path to their grave without the support and nurturing energy of a healthy masculine presence.
Be grateful for your father, and for any mentoring you have received. Reach out to these men, and let them know you have felt the impact of their care for you in your life. If you have the ability, let them know how you have taken their foundational presence and built upon that to be an even stronger, even more conscious man... and invite them to open up to you in a deeper way. They need you as much as you have needed them. This world is full of so much pain and suffering, when it comes down to it all we have is one another and the ability to connect through our tears, and our joy.
This Father's Day I will be reflecting on my weekend past, and finding a way to bridge the gap between my own father and me. I encourage you to do the same.
Here's a song they played on the weekend. I remember sitting in my dad's car hearing this song on the radio as a teenager and feeling not a little uncomfortable. Without weekends like this I don't know if I could allow the meaning of this song to every reach my heart. Enjoy!
Cheers,
Craig
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